As I sat in Fast Sunday meeting today at Church I was thinking about one of my most recent experiences of having my prayers answered. It is a personal experience so I didn't feel like I could go share my Testimony of it publicly yet. I knew that I needed to share it somehow though so I thought I would do it here.
While I was pregnant with Samantha, Jim and I had mentioned that she would be our last. I told myself this and tried to prepare myself for it by enjoying every moment of her being a baby. And I did enjoy it.
But how am I supposed to know that I am done having kids? I have asked so many people how they knew. I got a lot of different answers. From the day Samantha turned 1 I have thought about having another baby EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's been over 3 years now! I hated even the thought of bringing it up to Jim because I knew his feelings but I also knew that he would have another baby if it was something I wanted. I have prayed almost daily about having another baby and if it was something Jim and I were supposed to do. I always got a feeling that I could have another one. And then I would think, "Man, I don't want to do diapers again, I enjoy my sleep to much. Am I a good enough mom to the girls I have now and give them the time they need? If we had a fifth child we all couldn't fit in the truck so how would we pull the trailer?" All of these are very selfish reasons except for the time for my other girls.
After dwelling on this for 3 years and not really discussing it with Jim, I finally told myself "I HAVE TO TALK TO JIM. He is my best friend and is the one that totally understands me. This is something that is causing me emotional stress and I need help and I need Jim to help me through it."
So I mentioned to Jim that I needed to talk to him about "The baby thing" as I put it. He was silent for awhile, then said he would discuss it with me. Well, a few weeks went by and we never discussed it.....and here I am wondering what the heck to do! I am 35 years old and can't wait forever to discuss it. There are a few people that through these 3 years I have talked to them to try and get some perspective and to help me know and like I said I prayed a lot about it too. I assumed that since I thought about it every day that my answer was that we should have another one. Because if we weren't, why was I still thinking about it. But I still kept praying. I think I wanted to be hit over the head with the answer! :)
I knew my next step was to go to the Temple and pray. I mentioned to a friend that we could swap kids once in awhile so I could go to the Temple. Well, one day when I was not planning to go to the Temple, she texted me and said, "Let me take Sam today!" When I met her later for her to take Sam she told me to go to the Temple. Uhhhh, ok? There are so many other things that I could have done while Sam was gone, but I knew I needed this. I went home, cleaned up, ironed my Temple dress and went to the Temple! This is the first time I have ever gone by myself to the Temple. It was weird, but I needed this moment. I texted Jim to let him know I was there and where Sam was, just in case. He responded with a "Are you ok?" Ya, it was kinda out of the norm for me to go by myself but I got what I needed.
As I sat in the Celestial room, I bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for that answer that would knock me over the head so I would know for sure. After I said Amen, I looked around the room and just took a moment to ponder. Still no knock on the head. Seriously!! I NEED AN ANSWER! I can't live with every day thinking about having a baby. So I sat for a few more minutes hoping and waiting for an answer. In my mind I went through the process of prayer and how answers can come. I knew that I would feel good about something if it was right. I knew I would be confused if it was wrong. Then I remembered the 3rd part of getting answers to prayers....If you feel ok either way, then the Lord trusts the decision that you will make and it is up to you. And suddenly I was hit over the head.....I couldn't stop the tears. I had received my answer. I received it a long time ago when I felt that we "could". I just didn't realize it. There's a difference in should and could. For me I never thought this would be an answer to this question because if we choose not to, is there another member of our family that needs to be here?
I cannot deny what I felt sitting in the Celestial Room that day. And to have the Lord be ok with what Jim and I decide to do.
I know my prayers were answered that day. I have felt a huge burden lifted off me. I have gone several days without thinking of having a baby because I know if we decide to, it will be ok. I am enjoying my days so much more because I haven't been dwelling on it. It has even made me a better Mom by enjoying even more my 4 daughters and what they are doing.
That's my Testimony of the Lord answering prayers. I hold on to this and remember what I felt and know that I can recieve answers. I Love being able to feel the Spirit and feel promptings. I am so glad that I can Pray about anything and trust in the feeling I am recieving and know it is right.
