2012 is gone....

So where do I begin about a year like this last year......
I am really glad to see it go.
2012 was a Great year for our family, but a really hard year for me personally.
Our family experienced such joy and excitement as we got back into our home that we bought almost 6 years ago. All of the girls have been happier than I have ever seen them. I didn't realize how much stress Brindley and Karissa were experiencing in the previous couple years until I saw how happy they were to be back in Hyrum. Back with their friends. Also to have their Dad home every night and relieved of the stress that came to our whole family with Jim's past job. We laugh so much sitting around the dinner table. I LOVE sitting there with our whole family and the fun we have.

I have been blessed to do some daycare since the beginning of 2012. I honestly mean it when I say BLESSED. In the past I have struggled watching other peoples kids. I haven't had the patience with them and just didn't like it. Before we even moved back to Hyrum, I felt a change in me. I knew I was going to be able to do it and I wanted to do it. Still to this day I want to do it and I have the patience that I need! I know Heavenly Father has blessed me with the desire and the patience because we need the income. And this way I am still home everyday when my girls get home from school. I also have been blessed to not have any daycare kids on Fridays. So I use Friday's as Sam's day! We go shopping and to lunch but not before we spend time cuddling in bed! One of the things I find ironic about the kids that come to my house is that they are all boys until recently, I do have a 9 month old girl. Other than her, there are 4 boys that come. It totally makes me smile. These boys have been awesome to watch. One of them has become Sam's new best friend.

This last year I have also really enjoyed being a mom. I have found joy in it. I cry thinking about it because I am so lucky to have the girls I have! I Love each of them for different things because they are all so different. I think our previous years in Carson helped my girls and I become friends because we needed each other. This last year I have been able to watch my girls find joy in things they are doing and it brings overwhelming joy to me. I have felt a love for them that has been so different than before. How did I get so lucky?

My personal struggles have really put a damper on 2012 for me. If it wasn't for my girls and Jim I have no clue where I would be. I had a few things happen to me in 2012 that really knocked me down with my self-esteem. I have never been so hurt in my whole life. Obviously I am still struggling with stuff because I am sharing my feelings about it. I used to think that I thought about things to much before, now I REALLY think about things and what they could mean. From people's gestures towards me or anything that is said to me by others. I internalize EVERYTHING! I hate that. I hate that I can't let things go. I hate that I can't move on after being cut. I hate that I am not the outgoing carefree person I was when I graduated high school. Now I am scared to say anything because I worry what others will think. I'm perfectly fine "hiding" out at home and not going to any gatherings of any kind. I know at home I have the Love and Support from my kiddos and Jim. And to me, they are the #1 thing in my life. They are what I should be concerned about and not what others think.....Wish I could just make myself do that now.

So here's to leaving parts of 2012 in the past and celebrating 2013. Here's to being who I am and accepting myself for who I am and being ok with it! Here's to counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have been blessed with. Here's to making 2013 GREAT!